It's all the same

So I decided that I'm gonna blog, just for the heck of blogging. I think I'm gonna try vlogging tomorrow. It won't be much but it wouldn't hurt to try. Still in Ohio, we got a complimentary room upgrade. I guess someone finally saw me and well it's just a privilege to please me. No, I lied. It may happen one day, but for now I'm just like most of America. So no big deal. I am currently listening to "All the Same" by Sick Puppies. I forgot how much I love this song. Well I don't want to talk too much, I'll try to tell all about it tomorrow morning when I attempt to vlog. But yeah, if that doesn't work out, I'll just blog about it normally. So It's about 10:50 Illinois/ 11:50 Ohio. So I guess that's all I want to talk about.. Until then.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."
—Dave Barry

"Heeere's Johnny!"

So me and my family made it Ohio.. I didn't get to see you before we left. But I left you a message before I left, and was very happy to see a few text messages from facebook saying I had a message from you on facebook. The message you sent was so long it fit on 3 text messages. It made me smile so big that I'm pretty sure I looked like Bob Kane's Joker.

So were here at Kalahari, and there was a tornado warning. They kicked me and my family out of my our room and sent us to the basement along with the other thousand guests.. good stuff.. But I'm back in the room. So things should be alright. Well I love you, just wanted to let you know.

“The hallway of every man's life is paced with pictures; pictures gay and pictures gloomy, all useful, for if we be wise, we can learn from them a richer and braver way to live.”
—Sean O'Casey

Life, and all it's worths

Every morning I think to myself, "Why am I still here?"

I think of my family, career.. my future..

I think of the changes I can make..

the people I can Inspire..

nothing,

I sit upon my bed 10 minutes, thinking of everything I can do..

and then you come to mind..

It's then that I know, that Life is worth living so much more, when you have someone to live for.

Ever morning I think to myself, 'Why do I live?'
and Every night I say, 'I live for you.'

-just a list of notables

hello, it's about noon on this very hot day. The picture shown is actually from a while back, but I noticed that I took it, and never actually used it. It's a good thing I got the picture too, because that same day, I went out and when I came home the poor fungus was gone. So yeah, I don't really know what to say, so I'm just gonna name a few things that I've noticed in these past few days of my absence.

• I'm leaving for Ohio on Thursday and still have yet to see you.
• My only secure way of venting, is to my pillow but subconsciously to myself.
• The venting sessions with myself/pillow are way deeper than my blogging.
• I wish that I could blog like I vent, but due to my extreme laziness, I fail to do so.
• Hearing your voice, even just in the morning, Can make my whole day worth something.
• I look forward to every chance I can get to see you.
• When you invited me to hang out with you the first few times and I said I couldn't go, wasn't because of babysitting. I lied and said I couldn't because being around you is so nerve wrecking to me, that I scare myself into thinking that you won't like me for who I am.
• To this day, I get nervous when we have plans together. But soon lose my nerves when I see you smile at me when we make eye contact.
• To have conversation with you, like you have with your life-long friends is one of my few goals to achieve.
• This list is actually a lot longer than I thought it would be.
• This is my last bullet in the list of notables.

“It is easy to sit up and take notice, What is difficult is getting up and taking action.”
—Honore de Balzac

I was a good liar as a child. Now I'm better.

Alright, so I lied the last time I was on. I said I would be back the next day, and it's actually 2 or 3 days past due. Lately I've been thinking about us, If we'll make it. If we'll ever become anything more than just friends. I know that I usually bring this topic up, but I want to try something different today.

Even when we go our ways, because I know that that day will come eventually. I want you to know that I will always be there for you. Whether you want to vent about your jobs or if you ever just want to talk. I'm there. I want to be able to be the one person you can go to for everything. Advice, someone to listen, even money (which Yes, I know is rare, for you especially) I want to be more than the friend who is always there. I want to be a brother, I want to be your brother.

I like hearing your voice, I like that you make me feel like something I never thought I could be. I like that, around you, I can be whatever I want to be, and you will still accept me as the same person you've grown to know. At night, just before I fall asleep, I like to tell me pillow good night as if I were talking to you. Because hopefully, with a strike of luck and help from God, maybe one day you will hear me, for me..

"If love were like water, I'd build you a fountain
And if love were like stone, I'd bring you a mountain.
If love were like air, I'd blow you a breeze.
But as these are not love, I'll just give you me."
—Charles Wiles

"I want to tell you so much, I love you"

Don't fear forever.

You are who you are

Your love is for whomever

Touches your heart.

So it's been about a week since I blogged last. A lot happened since then. Some alright, Most great! There is so much I want to talk about, but I think it could be a little inconsiderate if I started telling random people a story that happened with me and some good friends without my best friends brother's consent. haha Hey, I love you. Alright, well I have plenty more to say, but I think I'll just let it sink in, before I go crazy. I miss you so much, that just the thought of you, makes it hard for me to breathe. Yeah I'll be back tomorrow, Promise. I have a few things I want to talk about.

"I sit here and wonder if you'll ever understand just how much of me belongs to you."

"And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Hello again, it's been a few days since I've updated last, so I guess there's a few things I could talk about.. But I think I'll focus on one or two. So You've been gone for quite a while, and it's kinda depressing me, I've made several promises but I just can't seem to follow through with them. They weren't huge promises, but it just really upsets me, that all I really want is you're trust but It doesn't seem like I'll allow you to even believe that you can trust in me.. I know that these were only promises to myself, and that it would be a very rare occasion if you knew what these promises ever were.. But... I really don't know what to say anymore.. We have to do something, It's the only thing that can actually make me feel better about myself. Come home soon! I just need to see you and a nice long hug couldn't hurt either..

oh and on a much less depressing note, I asked someone earlier what I should about, she said herself. I didn't.. So I felt it fair that I should at least mention her. So here's to her! :D

"It's not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
—Katie Holmes (Batman Begins)

have you seen my plethora of pleather?

So I was planning on blogging about this last night, but I don't really know what happened with time and such. I mean, I guess I could have seeing as how I went to bed at around 1130 and didn't actually fall asleep till 140-ish. Well new day, and today just so happens to be a great day. The whole season 2 of Merlin is on SyFy today; which is a big deal. But I'll come back to that.. last night I had this dream, you were in it.. I loved it and not in a sorta creepy kinda raunchy way. I can get sensitive, and if you've been following my blog, you would probably already know that I'm pretty much a little girl. But yeah anyway I get all warm and happy when you just so happen to stroll around this town of dreams we live in, and decide to stop by or drop in to say hi, it's quite comforting. Okay now back to Merlin, It's been about a few weeks since I started watching.. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I saw it on Netflix and started watching. I've always wanted to watch it, but never really knew when it was on or which channel it aired.. So I was pretty excited when I found out I could watch the first season on Netflix :3 So a week and a half passed, and I managed to finish the whole first season.. it was brilliant, if you're into that magic, medieval, kind of thing. So after I finished Season 1, I was devastated. I mean that was the only thing managing to keep me occupied when I was at home...
But anyway, I was watching the tellie and I saw an advertisement for the Merlin Season 2 finale, and it just so happens that their airing the whole second season before hand. So that was a great thing to hear, after being told that you're best friend won't be home this whole week, so you pretty much have nothing to do.. woo! Someones watching over me. :D 7/2 Hail and Well Met.

I just love to hate myself.

Well first off, I would like to say that this picture took me about a half an hour to an hour to think up, make, and then take a picture of. I'm proud of myself. Secondly I broke a promise to myself, and technically someone, and I keep beating myself up for it so I want to apologize, even if you didn't know I made this promise. And lastly I have a new theme song to my life, HERE :D.

Great song, by a great artist, enough said.

I am currently watching The Real Word: New Orleans Revisited. Awesome, this cast doesn't seem as unique, but I guess we'll see what happens... Oh well, I'm out 6/30.

“A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise”
—Niccolo Machiavelli

"Plans are pointless. Staying alive's as good as it gets."

Oh wow, it's been quite a while since I blogged last; a little over a full month. Well alright then... I've been pretty good, been better, but pulling through.. You're leaving today, or at least I think you are. I know it's this week. I'll use this time to think about us, and hopefully you'll do the same. But no sad story about how much you mean to me today...

Have you ever thought about if the human race dies out? Like a giant global pandemic? I don't even know if I used that word correctly, just that it's bigger than an epidemic. Imagine this, you fall asleep normally one night, and the next morning you awake and your house is empty; you go outside or start heading to work, the streets are empty. No one around, and you're alone. How would react? Usually i'm not the one to actually explain this to people, although I am the one to think about these kind of things constantly. But have you ever just wondered what you would do? Where you would go? What you're looking for? I'll be awaiting this day; and until then I will think about this daily.. hourly even.

Would you go look for salvation? ..Your family, friends?

Would you try to survive? ..Kill off anything or everything in your path?
Or would you wait? ..Every incoming second, passing by..

"You were thinking that you'll never hear another piece of original music ever again. You'll never read a book that hasn't already been written or see a film that hasn't already been shot."
— Naomie Harris (28 Days Later)

It's chemical love

So I haven't been on for a while, been really busy with my English paper; but the hardest part is pretty much over.. But anyway that's far from the topic that I'm aiming for..

So to get to that topic, and to understand the title of this blog, click here! :D

Anyway, I came here to tell you that I love you. I know I've said that hundreds of times, but I don't know if I have ever had a day where you didn't come to mind. I am willing to do anything for you. All you have to do is ask, and it will be done. The only thing that I don't think I can do is go one day without telling you that I love you..

I just thought of something else to say, but it totally slipped from my mind.. I hate that.

Oh well 1233 5/22

oh, it's another rainy day

hi, I love you. that's it.

I've decided I'm going to give you a hug tomorrow. I just want to hold you. and that's pretty much all I have to say. 2323 5/12.

“Hugs are part of everybody life for me. I’ll hug all sorts of people- I don’t worry about it looking unmanly or whatever. I think physical human contact is one of the things that makes living worthwhile.”
—AJ McLean

Wanna be ok when I'm sitting here alone not just thinking of the ways that I could have done it wrong

Why must it be so hard to find the right person? People always say "Oh were just not in the right place. All the nice, good looking people are someplace other than Chicago, let alone Illinois." But I feel like I'm closer than ever to the person I would love to spend the rest of my life with. They just seem right. Every little aspect that contributes to this persons well being, has met or goes beyond everything that I look for in a partner. But selecting this person and waiting for them also has it's setbacks.. Being as both of us has some pretty extreme standards with commitment, I find it hard and kinda doubt that we can ever become anything more than best friends. Although my mind is set to wait for them, and that being anything more than best friends will be something that I've wanted for the longest time now, I don't know that even if I was committed, that they would have to capability to break habit and achieve a relationship.. If they want one with me at all.. Maybe that's it, maybe were both just afraid of what could happen to us or our relationship, rather than of what the definition or commitment really is.. If I could have one thing, it would be that you could love me, and truly love me, for who I am; and be happy while doing so.

“He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in performance of it.”
—Jean-Jacques Rousseau

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."

hey, so I'm back; like I said I would. You weren't in school today, it's depressing because I've been waiting all weekend, just to see you, and was pretty upset that you weren't there.. I really hope that everything is alright, it really isn't like you to not answer a message on Facebook.. There is so much that I really want to tell you. But I know that it'll be rare for you to actually read this.. But you're overworked.. Truthfully, when you told me that you got another job, I was sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy for you, But we already have a hard enough time hanging out, and now that you have another job it is going to make it that much harder to do.. I just need to spend time with you. You've been all I could think about for the past few weeks now.. I may be over reacting again, as usual, but whatever. It's about 2225. Monday 5/10. Out.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightfowardingly, without complexities or pride. So I love you because I know no other way than this... "
—Pablo Neruda

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Happy Mothers Day!

So yeah, just small blog today, haven't been on for a while. It's not that I've had anything great to do, but I haven't been doing nothing. I've got a few things to say to you. But I'll save that for tomorrow, it'll give me a reason to blog. Yeah. I've been thinking about you a lot.. but again, that's for tomorrow. Alright I'm kinda tired. 2333 Sunday 5/9.

"Men are what their mothers made them."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Amateurs train until they get it right. Professionals train until they can't get it wrong

woah. it's been a while since I've actually blogged. Hmm well I've been a little busy, and well over all.. lazy. I've gotten into Free Running, or Parkour. It's been more of a release rather than a rush. And not too long ago, I noticed that I'm not very good. Actually.. I'm terrible. So I guess I'll just keep working at it. I'm determined to have this down. I'm going to have it so well that there is no possible way, I could mess it up. So by the end of summer or mid or whatever I can go parkour paint balling. Some Hardcore Parkour Paintballing. hah say that 5 times fast. Well this has been me keeping you updated. Which I happened to have failed at these past 2 weeks or so?

Oh and Definite Props to Mark Madeo for the amazing picture.

alright it's about 2236 Monday 5/3. Out.

"Look ahead of you, never behind. Have faith in yourself. If you do, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish."

—T.L. Nash

Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope

The writing type of 'The Great Gatsby' = The language similar to the way I blog.. The only difference is if you read Gatsby to a child under the age of 12, there is a possibility that the child would rather slit they're wrists under a faucet of hot running water. Well, they might want to do that if they read my blogs too.. hah. So yeah, not a long one today, I've been kinda losing my motivation to blog. But I've been having a little trouble with things, so I know I'll be back. I'll you updated. 2157 Thursday 4/22..

"Most of the confidences were unsought -- frequently I have feigned sleep, preoccupation or a hostile levity when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon -- for the intimate revelations of young men or at least the terms in which they express them are usually plagiaristic and marred by obvious suppressions."
—The Great Gatsby

You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

This picture has nothing to do with what I'm talking about

Today went pretty well, didn't really do much. It's one of those days that don't really seem to matter to the future. Well I guess everything affects the future, and I can kinda see how what I did today, can affect tomorrow. It's not dramatic change, except for maybe in our relationship, but that's alright, because I know I'm going to pull through with it. I've learned that life is full of judgements, especially high school. It's just like a competition, If you didn't win, you're a loser. There is no second place in life, let alone high school. You're either good enough or you're not. There are the people who only look for perfection in other people, and then there are people who look beyond that, and actually do what they can to truly understand and accept you. Everyone has their secrets, and no one loves their past. But there isn't anything you can do but accept it. There are always going to be people who judge you for being you, and then there are your friends. The people who judge you; but at the same time they love every little aspect you offer. Those are the people who you won't forget, those are the people who stay with you forever, whether it's physically or psychologically. Be with them, not the people who like you because of what you have, but with the people who like you for what you offer. Yeah... That's pretty much it. 2223 Tuesday 4/20. Yeah. I don't smoke.

You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
—Paul Dano (Little Miss Sunshine)

We turn not older with years, but newer every day.

So today was my birthday :] It was pretty good for the most part, I can't really say that anything terrible happened. The worse thing that really happened today was that ______ kinda didn't remember. But they totally made up for it, so I forgive 'em! Yeah that's pretty much all I have to say. So yeah, in conclusion today was pretty damn good. Compared to every other day, it was brilliant. Alright it's about 2245 on Monday 4/19, and I'm out.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
—Abraham Lincoln

I'm so good, I can make a weed look wanted.

Hello, just a quick blog today. I spent the whole day doing homework. I went downtown for a birthday lunch today, even though my birthdays tomorrow. Oh and yeah and my birthdays tomorrow; my only wish is that you actually remember. You tell me happy birthday and I'll be happy the rest of the day. Alright it's 2246. Time for me to go. Sunday 4/18.

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”
—William Somerset Maugham

Introduce a little anarchy.

Today was just one of those 'yup..' days. Didn't really do much when I wasn't with ______. We had a good conversation, not as great as others but it was decent enough to be considered a moment. Well anyway, when I got home I pretty much crashed. Woke up, and watched The Dark Knight, brilliant movie.. and yeah It's just a bit past midnight so I'll let you be. Might be back, depending on sleep, as usual. 0006 Saturday 4/17.

"Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan." But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos?It's fair!"
—Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)

Hello darkness, my old friend... I've come to talk with you again

Mr. HDJ was today, three words.. was a blast. A lot more people showed up than I expected. Since when was our school so musically talented? Well I got home like 15 minutes ago and it is now 2213. I'm about to go to bed so I'll keep you guys updated. I feel like a I need a little time to think about things. A few things actually. So until then.

“A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.”
—Oscar Wilde

it'll be worth talking about...

Alright, It's been becoming a little bit of a hassle remembering to blog, or at least thinking of something to blog about. I go through the whole day listening to everything everyone says, and I think to myself 'Oh I have to put that in my blog when I blog tonight...' Yeah... that never happens, Unless I feel it's really important or relevant to what I want to talk about. I've been feeling a bit lonely these past few days, I don't really know why. It might be because we don't talk as much as we used to. But I'm willing to change that tomorrow. Were going to have a great conversation, full of laughs, smiles, and just a hell of a good time. I don't really know what we'll talk about, but I know it'll be worth talking about it. We never really know how a conversations gonna turn out until you start it, right? Alright. 2206 Wednesday 4/14 Out.

"'A guy needs somebody-to be near him.' He whined, 'A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody.'"
—Crooks (Of Mice and Men)

you can't always get what you want..

I need to go on another photography run soon, I'm running low on pictures to post. Well anyway, I kinda really want to see you. We see each other everyday, I know, but I need some Nick/______ quality time. Just you and me. That would be really nice. We don't even have to do anything major; pop in a few movies and we'll be good; Because just being with you makes me feel like I'm actually worth more than I seem. Well it's about time to go, 2215 Tuesday 4/13.

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
—Morrie Schwartz

40 days and counting.

40 more days of school. This year seems as though it flew by. Were going from 0 to 60 and there's still so many things we need to do. Were almost there guys. 40 days plus one more high school year. Can't wait to get out of this place. Come with me? Alright it's about time to hit the hay; maybe tomorrow till be some what more amusing. 2151 Monday 4/12. Out.

Freedom - to walk free and own no superior.
—Walt Whitman

"Conscience... that stuff can drive you nuts!"

Today was an 'ehh' kinda day. Didn't really do much. Homework, well 2 of the 3 planned, which is 2 of the 4 assigned. Discovered I have no self control, I get lonely easily, I text only about 5 or 6 of my hundreds of contacts. A few old friends randomly texted me today, it was nice. Good to catch up on things. I have things planned for next weekend, and the weekend after that, hopefully? I watched On the Waterfront for film crit. It was a pretty amazing film. Despite it being a tad slow, and pretty simple, I loved it. Some things just look better black and white. You know what would be awesome? To have a mental black and white visual filter, Being able to turn it on and off whenever you please. That would be sick! That and to be able to print screen with your mind, and then mentally send it to the Internet or like plug your brain in to your computer and download it... oh wait, that's getting a little creepy now... Awesome.

There will one day spring from the brain of science a machine or force so fearful in its potentialities, so absolutely terrifying, that even man, the fighter, who will dare torture and death in order to inflict torture and death, will be appalled, and so abandon war forever.
—Thomas A. Edison

A weed is no more than a flower in disguise.

Sunday 1015. I didn't blog last night, don't really know why.. Well anyway, I don't know what I'm doing today. Guess I'm just gonna chill? I dunno. Need to watch a few movies for film crit. Have to finish some chapter of, Of Mice and Men. Have to get The Great Gatsby, for english. Not going to do my Algebra. Alright, I'm hungry. I'll keep you updated.

“Plants are the young of the world, vessels of health and vigor; but they grope ever upward towards consciousness; the trees are imperfect men, and seem to bemoan their imprisonment, rooted in the ground.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

à quelque chose malheur est bon

'Every cloud has a silver lining'

It's the weekend. Its about 2243, I'm hungry, and I kinda feel bad. Going to my grandmas tomorrow, helping her with something? I dunno. Sorry Wes! But were hanging out soon! I promise. I think I'll go find something to do. I might be back, depending on if I find something to do. So I guess until then, then.

"Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children."
—Pablo Picasso

"Oh Captain, My Captain"

Yeah, I overreacted again. Or you read this and figured out who you are. If you did read it, read this. I love you. I know you're totally against being committed in high school; but something about you just feels right... Just a short one today, I'm off to bed. It's about 2205. Night.

"A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. His hands reach out and choke me. And all the time he's mumbling. Mumbling truth. Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream"
—Ethan Hawke (Dead Poets Society)

Ashes to Ashes

Hey, I kinda feel like I've been annoying you. This might just be me; but just the vibes between me and you don't feel like they used to. Maybe it's just today, maybe we need some space, or maybe you've decided that you don't love me as much as I love you.
Can we talk about it?

I can be your parachute.

Will you be mine?

“A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth, with Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction”
—Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Deus ex machina... Our saviour.

"A storm is coming, Frank says

A storm that will swallow the children
And I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain
I will deliver the children back the their doorsteps And send the monsters back to the underground

I'll send them back to a place where no-one else can see them

Except for me

Because I am Donnie Darko."

I know this is going to sound weird, and maybe offensive, but sometimes I wish that I was mentally disturbed. I already sleep walk, I'm already messed up, so why the did He stop there right? I've always wondered if you're supposed to be conscious when sleep walking; I am, but it feels like I'm dreaming, and there isn't really anything I can do; Or at least that's what it feels like.. I think I need therapy, but maybe it's just a phase.. There could be something wrong with me, but maybe I'm just overreacting.. What's wrong with me?

"They say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... destruction is a form of creation, so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things."
—Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko)

"If anyone is getting raped in that van, it'll be a guy."

Ahh! I almost forgot to blog today, it's quite upsetting. Today was the start of 4th term; 9 more weeks until I'm a senior.. Film Criticism started today; one of the best classes ever, and now I'm totally looking forward to these last few weeks. Well it's raining, it's comforting, and well just nice. Alright it's 2156 and I need to start going to bed earlier, so I'm off. Until then.

"You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful.
—Michael Cera (Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist)

"He is risen; he is not here."

Happy Easter! :]
I said I would be back, and I'm back. Today was a typical Easter Sunday in my house. Family went to church, Lunch, some Wii Sports, Easter egg hunt, religious trivia, and chocolate strawberry's while painting Easter eggs. And yeah, I made some sick Easter eggs, I'm pretty proud;
well of 2 of the 3::

"This is the promise that He hath promised us, even eternal life."
—1 John 2:25

of course..

Of course the night that I say I'm going to blog in the middle of the night, I don't wake up or let alone dream..

I was awoken by the fire alarm, but that's kinda normal in my house.. My sisters can't cook. Which probably isn't safe because the day they actually set the house ablaze no one will really know because they do it too often. Oh well.. Its about 1023 on this fine Easter Morning. So I'm gonna head out before I waste my last day of break. I'll keep you guys updated.

Dear World..

Please stop being so amazingly good looking. I'm already having a hard enough time getting who I want. So please stop rubbing it in my face that I'm too much of a coward to see what it really feels like to have a relationship with someone. I would very much appreciate it if you could stop sending the most attractive people my way. But, you can start sending them back towards me when/if I know that the person I chose isn't the special someone designed for me. Thanks
-Nick.

Just something short. I haven't been able to sleep lately and I've had these crazy dreams, so I'm determined to blog when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Life's just a cloudy day

It's 0048 and I've been thinking about way too much. Sometimes I wish that life was easier, but if it were easy it wouldn't be life. But maybe it's just me. One day the world is going to change; I just hope I'm alive and well when it does. These things need to change soon and people need to learn to accept it.

Ugh.. I wish life was so much easier; but then again, I'm young. But I'm not that young.. hmm, senior year... I need to stop thinking, things will clear up. I know it will, Eventually. Let's hope it's sooner than later. Alright, I need more thinking time. Maybe I'll go sit in the dark, or maybe I'll go outside. It seems nice enough.

"Change your thoughts and you change your world."
—Norman Vincent Peale

'Coming out' is the new Heroine

So I've noticed that everyone seems to be coming out of the closet? Unless you can't say that saying you're bi is coming out. I guess its like standing in the door frame? I dunno, but I guess everyone is doing it.. I just noticed that I've been trying to write this blog for the past 2 hours. Alright I need something to talk about.. Summer of Senior year, I've decided that me and maybe a select few of people are just gonna get out...

Holy crap... Were almost seniors... Hold on let me think about this.. I need to post this, and then think about a second blog.. Things are going by really fast, and I can't decide if it's good or bad.

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer.'"
—Robin Tyler

Whats at the end of the tunnel?

So I've decided that I have planned my future. I always say how I can't wait to get out of here. but now that I've come up with my future, It seems kind of bland. But I can't wait; And I want it to come even sooner. I've never wanted to leave more than I do right now. Alright, my planned future, and forgive me, because it's bland; But I love every single very little bit of detail it has.

I'm going to be a freelance photographer occasionally selling some of my pieces for extra money. My work will occasionally be in and out of galleries all over where ever I would be living. When I'm not taking pictures I would be working during the day or late at night at a classy restaurant as a waiter. I'd be living in a studio apartment in Chicago/LA with a roommate or two. I don't know if it will be before or after; But I'm also going to be on the Real World. There's more details to that but that's for a different time.

To me, my future seems bright. Dull... but bright. I'm up for "wiggle room" but I want my life to be remotely similar to what I have planned. Yes, I have an OCD of my future; I'm going to do what I can to get there.

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”
—Charles F. Kettering

I'm someone who can say: "I can do my own laundry"

What to blog about... What to blog about.. Hmm.. alright, Well as usual, I'm just gonna start typing and then hopefully something will come to mind. I did some cleaning today. I think it's the most I've cleaned in a few months. I did around 4 loads of laundry, and now I don't know what to do. Most of the time my dirty clothes are just on the floor, but now, after doing so much laundry, I have nowhere to put my clothes. I never knew I had so many pairs of socks. Oh! something came to mind that is somewhat laundry related, but somewhat related to something completely different... Are we compatible? Yes, I know for now it has nothing to do with laundry; but I'll get to that. I know we're friends, and most of the time I wish we were something more. But I've been thinking more and more, Do you love me as much as I love you? Sometimes I wonder if were like laundry, colors and whites. Are we not to be together? I guess you can mix them, but you'll just end up with something that you can't fix most of the time. Like a pair of pink socks, or an orange blotched black tee.. I knew I would think of something. hah..

"Look, whatever you thought, don't. We're colors and whites. We don't mix."
—Steve Sandvoss (Latter Days)

"We are sharks."

It's early and it's beautiful. So I thought about blogging before I started my day, to make up for the pretty crapily thought up one last night. Every ones talking about how they have nothing to do at where ever they went for spring break. I think the only people who can be complaining are the people who haven't/aren't doing anything the whole week. I've also been seeing a lot of status post's about layover and delays; which is something that I am too familiar with.
You see, when your dad works at United, you get the chance to fly whenever, to anywhere they're flying that day. The downside is you are stand-by.. which means that the seats that aren't purchased/taken, they give to you. Hence the familiarity between me and delays and such. And that got me thinking about, how much me and my family used to travel. I'm kind of disappointed that we aren't doing anything this break. I remember that I would brag about 18 hour flights.. people would look at me and reply with:

"Nick, you're crazy, what do you do on a flight that long, in such a cramped
space?"

Well actually, We were rarely ever put into coach. I remember being envious of all of the people in the airport dressed so casually. My dad would always have my family dressed so nice, and uncomfortably because we represented his work and himself. They would fit me in this hot sweater vest, a pair khakis, and the shiniest dress shoes you have ever seen. I would look at everyone dressed in t-shirts, jeans, roughed chucks, and I would die a little. Because we were never put into coach/economy, we had to dress. Most of the time we were put into business class and on occasion first. Business class... I remember first walking through that piece of thin blue velvet; and looking at all.. All I saw were suited men and women, All I heard was the typing upon their keyboards and the occasional blue tooth man, and what I've smelled, might have been the strongest scent of black coffee. The flight attendants were always the nicest up there. They would give a tiny little glass of toasted nuts along with the beverage of you're choice. There was so much leg room, you didn't have to pass down the drink of the person next to you. They would just walk in front and set it down. They would hand you a hot towel and ask what you wanted to eat in the next hour.
I miss that, I miss them, I miss flying. With the economy these days, we haven't been able to do anything. Before all of this, my dad would always say:

"Pick a place and let's fly there."

He's not saying that anymore, and right now, that's exactly what I want to do. I need to get out of here. I need to get up there, look at the flight board, close my eyes, and point. Any single one, and just go.

"All the things you probably hate about travelling -the recycled air, the artificial lighting, the digital juice dispensers, the cheap sushi- are warm reminders that I'm home"
—George Clooney (Up in the Air)

explain to me what love is..

hmm.. today, I'm pretty sure I have nothing to talk about... I learned a few new things today, which was nice. The world is changing, and I like it;;
1 Corinthians 13:4-6— 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

hmm yeah, that's it I think.. alright its 0042, night.

"I'm just some doodah pudknocker from Pocatello. They ship us here from Dork Island."
—Steve Sandvoss (Latter Days)

"Could be worse, could be raining."

"Do you ever read the Sunday comics? Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this -make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now."
—Steve Sandvoss (Latter Days)

That is an amazing line, from an amazing movie. The movie was so good, I saw it twice in the same day. I stumbled upon this movie this morning and I already know most of the dialogue; I can quote most of the lines. It's actually kinda pathetic. And I think I might also have another favorite actor to add to the list of favorite actors that doesn't exist.. I need to stop watching this homosexual movies, It's filling up my Netflix with things my virgin family cannot withstand.. Well I might be back.. Don't think I'm going to be sleeping anytime soon.

"I believe Ann Margret has never been given her due as an actress."
—Wes Ramsey (Latter Days)

Life through my eyes

I have decided that I'm going to take a picture everyday and post it onto my blogs. I mean I've been posting my pictures since the third entry, but now they're going to be from that exact day. So you know how I'm feeling and what kind of picture taking mood I'm in. Well anyway, it's time for the usual;; I couldn't stop thinking of you today.. Of all the times that I'm not with you, from the day after we met.. to today, today might be on the "top ten list" of missing you the most.. Sometimes I wish that time would go faster, just so I can understand how or what you and I are going to become, if we are to become anything at all. I know I've said in my previous entry that I wish things would slow down, I'm not trying to contradict myself, but I just need to get out of this town; We just need to get out of this town. The only reason that I'm still liking it is because of my friends.. because of my family.. Because of you.. You're the reason why I can still bare this town, city, place.. As soon as that last bell rings, me and you. You and I, have to get out of here. knowing that you would still be here, I can't leave now; that would be just too hard. I can't stand this town anymore. I'm probably getting really annoying... So I'll stop; ..Sorry. It's about 2ε45 > So I'm going to head out, see you then. night.

"I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the candles. You were the wish."
—Timothy Olyphant (The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy)

"Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in..."

Who am I kidding? I don't party; I sit here and blog about problems that aren't even that bad. But I make them seem bad because I tend to over think everything. While everyone is out on a Friday night, I sit here and type out stories, scenarios, and exaggerations about my life; To people who pretty much don't exist. Well anyway, I said I would be back. So I'm back. It is now 2307 and about a 3 hours ago I went on a photography run and took this nice snap of the moon. I'm quite proud of it. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, I feel like I'm expecting a call from ______ but I dunno if were doing anything. If we do, we'll probably just chill and watch a couple of movies. I dunno, the future's always fluctuating..

I still can't get over the fact at how good "Brokeback Mountain" was.. Yes, it was very homosexual, but that's not the point. People don't understand that it's so much more than a "gay cowboy" movie. The dialogue, screenplay, storyline, even the actors were brilliant. Some people just need to open their eyes a little more. oh well. I might be back... depending on if I can sleep or not. hmm.

“Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!”
—Leonardo DaVinci

"A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow"

Alright this is just a quick post but I just wanted to let you know what I'm probably doing today. I had nothing else to do. its 1443 and I'll probably take a nap in a bit. Then I might go on a photography run; and after that, depending on how active my family is, We might go see a movie or something..

Spring break 2010 is starting off alright. It could be a lot better; but hey, I've only spend 1 or 2 hours of it. Let's hope ______ calls, maybe we'll get together or something. yeah that would be nice. okay, well I'm pretty sure I'll be back again later today, so until then.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
—Author Unknown

"There ain't never enough time, never enough..."

hmm... I love you.

So again, as always I really don't know what to say. But what I can say is that... I miss you; and you're all that I can think about. I want to know what our future is going to be like;; If were going to stay close, if we'll go our own ways, if we visit each other occasionally just to be with one another. My future The future, is pretty much my number one fear. well no strike that; it's not, but it sure is up there. Becoming distant with you is one of the last things that I want to happen between us...

Well anyway, Spring break is one day away, and I just tried to change the subject to lighten the reading for whoever is reading this, but sorry, I can't stop thinking of 'em. So I'm going to keep ranting. So yeah.. spring break, I want to spend it with you. We should do something that we both can enjoy, but truthfully I'm willing to do anything that you like, because just being with you is what I like. hmm.. well I got some of that off my chest, but don't worry, there's plenty more..

"Tell you what... truth is, sometimes I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it... "
—Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain)